Purple Haze and a Postscript

Posted on 06^th April, 2008 By Ben Saunders ~ 43 comments

In my final few hours in the tent, waiting for the helicopter and staring into the abyss of self-pity, I had a wonderfully apt text message on my satphone from a dear friend, Oli Barrett. “Stories about journeys”, he wrote, “are always better than ones about arrivals.” So this, then, is a story about a journey but not an arrival. At least not where I expected to end up, anway.

Those few hours in the tent were some of the lowest of my life; I thought of all the people that had gone so far out of their way to make this expedition happen, of the weeks of intense preparation, the months of training and the years of experience, testing and perfecting everything from my diet to the design of the sledge. This expedition was the physical embodiment of one of the biggest and most audacious dreams I've ever had, and the whole thing hung from a giant chain that involved countless people, places, promises and pieces of equipment. It turned out on Friday morning that the weakest link of that entire chain was a pair of screws, each with a head the size of my little finger tip, and each snapped clean in half.

I doubt I'll ever be able to express my disappointment, and my feelings of rage, despair and inadequacy that morning. The good news is that they didn't last long. When I climbed into helicopter, Jacob, the co-pilot, handed me a pair of headphones and the pilot, Steve, turned round and gave me a beaming thumbs-up. Jimi Hendrix was playing over the intercom as we took off, circled round and swooped low over the ice toward Ward Hunt Island to refuel. As I squinted into the low sun to the west, the self-pity evaporated. I had absolutely no reason to feel sorry for myself: most people never get this close to their dreams.

Two days on, the notion of failure is evaporating as well. I've always maintained that this was an expedition to explore human limits not geographical ones; to push and test and stretch the limits of my own potential. In that sense it was a resounding success - never have I started an expedition feeling so confident, so secure in my own ability and so trusting of the expertise of the team around me.

This journey didn't end at the spot I expected it to, but it's been an enormous step into the unknown, and an enormous step up. So here's to big dreams, big journeys, and big steps. There will be a couple of days of radio silence as I make my way back to London, but the build-up to the next expedition has already started and I'll be writing more soon. Thanks again for following, and for your support.

Comments

By The Sybarite on 07^th April, 2008

Crestfallen and saddened that you’ve had to turn back. Nevertheless, I think your greatest achievement was actually setting out to do it, and hopefully the next one will be even greater.
Now, nothing quite like the magical qualities of a good pinot noir to lift the spirits!
By RObb on 07^th April, 2008

Your journey has definitely not ended, you’ve merely reached a fork, and I can’t wait to see where it leads you next.

I hope you keep updating this blog, and if ever, provide us with a new address to follow your stories of adventure and inspiration.

godspeed Ben!
By Chris on 07^th April, 2008

G’day Ben. I was really sorry to learn of the premature conclusion to your epic expedition. What a bummer hey. I guess you can’t win them all. 2 little bolts, how irritatingly out of your control - still, the fact you got 8 days into it shows that your own prep for the things within your ctrl was well done. As you say, the only failure would be not to try. Too strong for your own ski bindings I guess =) Thanks for sharing the experiences as they unfolded, and thanks to all your sponsors and other contacts who helped make it possible to get out there and give it a go.
By Paul Bower on 07^th April, 2008

Ben, here’s to the next one - bring it on!
By Alison Lowndes on 07^th April, 2008

Dinner ?
By Alison Lowndes on 07^th April, 2008

P.S. Send my best wishes to Oli & Co. for tomorrow’s trip, hope you all get to meet up in Resolute.
By Mark Kalch on 07^th April, 2008

G’day Ben,

Probably enough already with the condolences. Awesome effort mate. Would be great to catch up when you are back in London. Mark
By Oliver Corbett on 07^th April, 2008

Ben - awesome effort and gut wrenching that kit failure intervened. Rock on the next trip. Thanks to you I have learnt a bit about head stuff in the last week - may see you in Resolute Wed (we are the guys who haven’t done it before who will be looking a bit nervous!), failing which Parsons Green in May! Alison - thanks for msg. Ol
By rob holden on 07^th April, 2008

Ben

I was gutted to read that your speed attempt has been cut short. Bravo for stepping up to the plate and having a go. Keep the focus and enthusiasm as you prepare for the next vhallenge. I watch with interest.
By Anton Uhl on 07^th April, 2008

Ben,
Your overcoming your despair and showing enthusiasm for the next adventure indicates your limits are far higher than you thought and that they haven’t yet been reached. Once again, you raised the bar. Here’s to you, my friend!
Best,
Anton & family
By Moki Kokoris on 07^th April, 2008

Is it the man who makes the journey, or is it the journey that makes the man? Just as foresight combined with hindsight teaches us to persevere, you have shown us that one does not exist without the other.

On a much lighter note: your equipment failure gives a whole new meaning to “getting screwed”....

Disappointments dealt with, wounds licked, focus redirected, it’s time to face SOUTH, man!

Moki
By Rachel Hanley on 07^th April, 2008

I imagine you’ll take a whole bag of screws with you on the next trip… (or is that something you can replace on your own? dont know..). The picture from the helicopter is beautiful though. Well done to get as far as you did… and I agree with Moki, time to face South!
By Jackson School Sixth Grader: David on 07^th April, 2008

Dear Ben, It’s too bad that you didn’t reach your goal, but things like this happen. Now there are two choices that you can make. You can let this hang over you or you can try again and bring some extra screws. Personally I would do the second one. Believe me, I have had some experience in failing.
I am a big time hockey player and last year I had the chance of a lifetime, I was going to the EHF championship. Unfortuneately my team had a letdown, our best player had broken his wrist and was able to play but not at the peak of his game. We ended up losing the game in a tough duel. But this year we had a new hope battling through all teams losing only three games and clinching the EHF regular season title. The season wasn’t over yet; we still had to get to that cliff that hung above me like a vulture around a dying animal. We played hard and finally we achieved our goal, the title.
They always say that every story has a moral and you might be able to find a few in this letter, but mine is if you keep your mind set on your goal and don’t give up you can achieve a lot more than you think. You might just throw this into the back of your mind because I[’m an eleven year old but think about this really hard. Sincerely, David
By Ben Saunders on 07^th April, 2008

David - what a great message! Thank you, and congratulations on getting the title. I certainly won’t be throwing it into the back of my mind, and you’ll be glad to hear I’m already busy planning the next expedition…

Oliver - sadly our paths won’t quite cross as I leave Resolute early tomorrow (Tues) am. Good luck with the race - I’ve been hanging out with the Polar Challenge organisers here and they’re a super bunch. It’s getting warmer, though - it was in the minus forties here three weeks ago and it’s a mere -18 (-28 windchill) today!

Rob/Chris/Mark - it’s great to have such a roll call of pioneering adventurers tuning in. Hopefully we’ll all meet before too long. I have lots to tell you about the state of the Arctic Ocean, Rob (and not all doom and gloom)…
By Alison Lowndes on 07^th April, 2008

Big Kudos to David !!!
By Confused on 07^th April, 2008

If it was “unprecedented, appalling” “ice conditions” , “described by many as the worst conditions in recent history,” that caused you to have to give up this adventure, why do you blame global “WARMING”?

Too bad you had to quit nonetheless - perhaps you can take the time on your way back to civilisation to educate yourself about the SCAM that is “global warming.” Record cold weather all over the world is a result of global cooling, not warming.

Have a safe journey, and good luck for the next trip!
By Alison Lowndes on 07^th April, 2008

One second while I just open the door for the barrage of comments from people who aren’t confused .... (I could explain it myself in lay terms but there’s plenty more experienced and educated folk on here than myself)
By Ben Saunders on 07^th April, 2008

Thanks Confused.

There’s no scam, I’m afraid. In this case, “the worst ice conditions” mean the thinnest and most fractured ever recorded, a direct result of the unprecedented summer melt of 2007 - http://www.nasa.gov/vision/earth/lookingatearth/quikscat-20071001.html

Clearly I’m not a scientist, but I have been lucky enough to spend time with the dozens of scientists in Resolute Bay and Eureka, many of whom have dedicated decades of their their lives to investigating climate change in the high Arctic, and there seems to me a clear consensus that the region is warming at a rate we have never seen before.

I’d rather take my education from them than from an anonymous commenter on a web page.
By Trouble on 07^th April, 2008

Glad to hear you are back safe and sound. :)
By Moki Kokoris on 07^th April, 2008

Dear Confused,

It is more accurate than ironic that you, Sir/Madame, should classify yourself as confused. Ben has already responded to your post, appropriately so, but I feel compelled to add that people who choose to doubt, deny and/or debunk the realities are the very ones who lack the sense of responsibility and courage to make the necessary changes in their lifestyles to alleviate the problems we and all future generations are destined to face here on this planet.

The very fact that Ben encountered conditions as severe and volatile is a direct CAUSE and EFFECT of climate change.

You are correct in stating that some regions of the world are experiencing cooling but those are anomalies and the reason why the term “global warming” is increasingly giving way to “climate change”.

That said, the Arctic is indeed experiencing dramatic warming, the consequences of which are the ever worsening conditions on what used to be a much more stable Arctic ice cap. As Ben stated, there is plenty of scientific data to support this - and he unfortunately witnessed the evidence firsthand.

Since this is not the best nor most appropriate forum for these discussions, I welcome you to write to me directly, and I will be more than happy to continue this exchange privately.

However, to prevent yourself any further embarrassment, it is in your better interest to educate yourself on the subject before you take up the topic in a public forum.

Respectfully,
Moki
By Thom on 08^th April, 2008

Ben --

Just read about the minor setback. I know you’ll conquer the Pole next time.
Can’t wait to hear about the plans for SOUTH, and don’t forget: there’s more than a couple of pints with your name on it on this side of The Pond.

Best,

Thom
By Karen Tynes on 09^th April, 2008

Thanks be to God you are safe and sound. So sorry ‘bout those dang screws!
By Simon Jones on 09^th April, 2008

Looking forward to the next adventure Ben!

You inspired me to get off my ass and go to India. All that talk of far flung adventure made me want some far flung adventures myself, though mine will be neither anywhere near as challenging nor cold… I’m not so good in chilly conditions :-)
By Tom Gurnee on 09^th April, 2008

Welcome back, Ben.

Flying in a helicopter, Jimi Hendrix on the headphones, and ice all around down below. Far out…

Hey, so I keep reading, “SOUTH”.
What is SOUTH?

Thanks for your great posts that kept us all on the edge of our computer tables. Still can’t wait for further updates…
By rob holden on 09^th April, 2008

Ben

i look forward to buying you a beerand having a catch up when you are back in blighty
By David McQueen on 09^th April, 2008

You still rock Ben!
By joe nash on 09^th April, 2008

hi ben, talked to your mum today ,, sorry to here you have had to abandon things at this stage due to equipment, when you get back to lincolnshire ,, id love to buy you a pint,, god knows you deserve.
im guessing your aready planning a rerun

cheers

joe
By karah marie on 09^th April, 2008

You gave it a come hell or high water effort Ben, no doubt after a rest then it’s back at it with your usual ramming speed

If you ever find yourself in Minneapolis Minnesota, a bunch of us following your adventures would love to hoist up a pint with you, in exchange for a tale or two of a place colder than here!
By Ed on 10^th April, 2008

AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh!!!!

I’ll skip puns about being screwed and instead commiserate when you’re back. When is that roughly?

I’m so sorry for you. Still, all the glory, none of the hassle! :P
By Wil on 10^th April, 2008

Well I must say I’ve started this comment over about 10 times now and can’t quite get the words to come out right, so please bear with me here ;) You do sound fantastically positive in light of something so crushing, and I can’t think of a better reflection of your determination and character. Not everyone could handle a blow like this with such grace.

It’ll be there waiting for you Ben, and we’ll all be hear ready to go back with you again. Have a safe trip home :)
By Andrew Todd on 10^th April, 2008

Ben, all the boys from the regiment send their regrets and we’re all bitterly disappointed for you. As we prepare for our move East we’ll remember some of your inspirational words of wisdom in February. This will surely not crush your enthusiasm and zest for adventure. The South is beckoning. God speed on your journey home. RGR
By Moki Kokoris on 10^th April, 2008

For Tom Gurnee and anyone else who doesn’t know, allow me to present to you Ben’s next challenge:

“SOUTH” will be the first return journey to the South Pole on foot, beginning in October 2008. If completed, it will be the longest unsupported polar journey in human history, taking 16 weeks and traversing 1800 miles (2900 kilometers).
By Paul Bower on 11^th April, 2008

Wow what a challenge! From my point of view the web site has been a great success!
By CobblyWorlds on 11^th April, 2008

Hello Ben,

Congratulations on getting as far as you did!

I live in Blackpool in the UK, the nearest I’ve ever been to the Arctic is Northern Scotland. But I’ve been following the ice this winter using QuikScat, satellite Infra-Red and lately National Ice Centre data and it’s a complete mess. Your description of conditions shows it’s as bad as I thought, if not worse.

In awe & respect for the attempt and what you managed to achieve.
Chris.
By jessie,alfie and rowan on 11^th April, 2008

Live for your Dreams............
Life is all about challenges and how you deal with them makes you the person you are.

keep smiling and we shall look forward to the next expedition Ben.

Jess
By Sean Chapple on 11^th April, 2008

Its the challenges that we have to really work for that are the most rewarding. If it was that easy it would have been completed long ago - you are setting out to tread new ground and push the boundaries beyond the norm. When you operate at that level, setback is part of the arena. Look forward to hearing of you going back.
By Nikki on 12^th April, 2008

SOUTH! SOUTH! SOUTH!

:-)
By Tori James on 12^th April, 2008

Ben, just wanted to say how gutted Ben and I are for you. What a disappointment. I have no doubt however that you’ll be reflecting on this in the right manner, and you’ll be ready to tackle another challenge very soon.

You missed some snow in London last weekend by the way!!
By Michaela Noble on 14^th April, 2008

Just to let everyone know - Ben is going to be on BBC breakfast television this morning - Monday.

We shall be able to see him safe and well.

Michaela
By Moki Kokoris on 14^th April, 2008

As much as it pains me to say this, but perhaps the way this expedition ended for you is a better thing. See story at link below:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080414.wsovereignty14/BNStory/National/home
By Your Grantham Supporters on 16^th April, 2008

Have been out of touch for the last week as I’ve been in the snow myself in the French Alps.
Sorry to hear of this little set back, but as everyone else has said I’m sure it’s not the end of the Ben Saunders Epic. You taught us to learn from the things that go wrong and try try again and I’m sure that is what you will do.
As I said, I have been in France learning to ski and being pretty useless at it, I had to remember your words. I struggled to move at all on my skis at all at first and still can’t imagine how you can manage to pull a sledge over those massive ridges and survive without a nice hot bath and vin chaud at the end of the day. If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t believe you are human!
So, enjoy being home until the next big challenge and step forward.
Karen
ps I’m very proud to say that I did manage to ski in the end and we’re going back next year!
By Myra on 17^th April, 2008

Ben,

I really enjoyed your talk yesterday! Very inspiring. I have found your daily blogs an impressive feat from the frozen north after a hard day’s work! Even more impressive after learning of the energy it takes send an update each day! Looking forward to hearing about your plans for the South Pole.
Good luck in your preparation!
By Mark Ward on 23^rd April, 2008

My class have returned from their holidays and, whilst some of them had followed your early return from the ice at home, others were keen to know how you were doing and all are very sorry to hear that you are no longer battling the elements.
Whilst they will have moved up into year 6 by the time SOUTH hopefully happens, I know that I will follow you with what ever class I have next. We all want to wsh you well and thank you for being so daring.
We did email an entry to the competition on the last day and were wondering what will come of it. We would still all love to have you visit our school.
Class 5MW

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This journal is coming to you from the high Arctic, where Ben Saunders is attempting to set a new world speed record from Ward Hunt Island to the Geographic North Pole. The current record was set in 2005 by a guided team using dog sleds and numerous re-supplies in a time of 36 days 22 hours. Ben’s expedition will be solo and unsupported and on foot. Read more about the expedition and Ben

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